Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children

I’m talking with developmental psychologist Dr. Peter Gray about his new book, Restoring Childhood: How to Set Kids Free in the Age of Anxiety, which challenges one of the dominant narratives about the youth mental health crisis: that smartphones and social media are largely to blame for the rise in anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges among kids. Peter argues that this picture is incomplete, and that when we look more closely at the data and at what has changed in childhood over the past several decades, a very different story emerges.

So today we dig into what Peter believes we’re missing when we focus so much attention on screens, including the rise of intensive parenting and overprotection, the loss of independence and free play, and especially the increasingly stressful and demanding role that school plays in children’s lives. We also talk about why kids need unstructured time, autonomy, and opportunities to take age-appropriate risks, and Peter shares practical ideas for giving our kids more freedom to build confidence, resilience, and a stronger sense of agency.

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About Dr. Peter Gray

Dr. Peter Gray is a research professor of psychology and neuroscience at Boston College. He has conducted and published research in neuroendocrinology, developmental psychology, anthropology, and education. He did his undergraduate study at Columbia University and earned a Ph.D. in biological sciences at Rockefeller University. His current research and writing focus primarily on children’s natural ways of learning and the life-long value of play. He has helped found and continues to support nonprofit organizations aimed at bringing more play and independent activity to children’s lives.He is the author of an internationally acclaimed college introductory psychology textbook (Psychology, now in its 8th edition), which views all of psychology from an evolutionary perspective, and of Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life.

Things you'll learn from this episode

How Peter Gray defines childhood as a gradual process of growing independence, autonomy, and responsibility

Why the rise of intensive parenting and overprotection has reduced kids’ freedom and may be contributing to increased stress and anxiety

How Common Core and increasingly demanding, high-pressure school environments have fundamentally changed children’s experience of childhood

Why Peter argues that school pressure and the loss of independence may be bigger drivers of the youth mental health crisis than smartphones and social media

How free play, self-directed activity, and opportunities to take age-appropriate risks build confidence, resilience, and agency

What parents can do to give kids more freedom, independence, and control over their own lives

Resources mentioned

Dr. Peter Gray’s website

Dr. Peter Gray’s Substack

Restoring Childhood: How to Set Kids Free in the Age of Anxiety by Dr. Peter Gray

Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Dr. Peter Gray

A Historic Settlement Over Social Media Addiction (The Daily podcast)

Let Grow



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I’m excited to share this powerful and gut-punching conversation with Jonathan Mooney, a self-described “do-gooder,” speaker, and writer who didn’t learn to read until he was 12-years-old. Growing up with Dyslexia, Jonathan faced a number of low expectations: he was told he would be a high-school dropout and likely end up in jail. Instead, he earned a degree in English Literature, started his first non-profit organization in his college dorm, and has gone on to write a number of books, including his latest title Normal Sucks (which, side note: should be required reading for everyone). He’s been a champion for neurological and physical diversity for more than two decades, and his award-winning advocacy projects have been featured in major media outlets across the US.

THINGS YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:

The powerful messages, both positive and negative, Jonathan heard from the adults in his life as a child with dyslexia

What it means to pathologize difference, and how even well-meaning organizations participate in this

The difficult and disturbing historical outcomes for differently-abled people, including the ideas and legacy of the Eugenics movement.

How the idea of “normal” has evolved since Jonathan started his advocacy work

Why Jonathan believes that learning differences are a gift and why this is such an important concept

What parents and teachers can do to help children to see their differences as strengths

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​In this conversation, Debbie Reber speaks with Dr. Özgür Bolat about his book The Reward Trap and the hidden costs of using rewards to motivate children. Dr. Bolat explains that rewards may create short-term compliance, but they often undermine intrinsic motivation, self-esteem, and long-term confidence by teaching kids that love and approval are conditional on performance.

Drawing from his own experience as a highly accomplished student who became dependent on external validation, he argues that parents should shift from a control mindset to a connection mindset—asking what a child needs, helping them feel understood, and building internal motivation through effort, autonomy, and trust rather than prizes or pressure.

About Dr. Özgür Bolat

Dr. Özgür Bolat is a distinguished education scientist, researcher, associate professor, and author with a career spanning academia, media, and corporate partnerships. His groundbreaking research on parenting and teaching has earned him international recognition, including the prestigious Best Young Researcher award in New Zealand. He holds a master’s degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education (Fulbright and TEV scholar) and a PhD from the University of Cambridge.

During his doctoral studies, he spent one year as a visiting PhD student at MIT Sloan. His academic work has been complemented by a successful media career, where he served as a columnist for a major national newspaper for 12 years, establishing himself as a leading voice in education and parenting. Dr. Bolat is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and parenting workshop leader.

Things you'll learn from this episode

Why rewards and praise can create short-term compliance while undermining intrinsic motivation over time

How conditional praise and external validation can contribute to anxiety, perfectionism, and a sense that approval must be earned

Why behavior is often a signal of an unmet need rather than a lack of discipline

How shifting from a control mindset to a connection mindset changes the way we respond to our kids

Why focusing on effort rather than intelligence helps children build resilience and authentic motivation

How parents can nurture kids who are internally motivated, self-respecting, and connected rather than focused on obedience

Resources mentioned

Dr. Özgür Bolat’s website

The Reward Trap book website

The Reward Trap: Why Rewards Backfire and the Real Science of Motivation Kids by Dr. Özgür Bolat (on Amazon)

Alfie Kohn on Practicing Unconditional Parenting (Tilt Parenting podcast)

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn

David Yeager on the Science of Motivating Young People (Tilt Parenting podcast)

Mindset: How We Can Learn to Fulfill Our Potential by Carol Dweck

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What if the reason you or your child can’t “just do the thing” is not laziness, but a Wall of Awful built from repeated frustration, shame, anxiety, and failure? Brendan Mahan breaks down the hidden emotional barrier behind procrastination, avoidance, and shutdown - and shows how to actually get through it without burning out.

Debbie Reber welcomes Brendan back to unpack his new book, Overcoming the Wall of Awful: Why It’s Hard to Get Things Done with ADHD, Autism and Anxiety, and How to Do Them Anyway. Together they make this deceptively simple metaphor concrete, useful, and surprisingly validating for parents, educators, clinicians, and anyone who has ever stared at a task and felt their brain go sideways.

About Brendan Mahan

Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., MS., is the author of Overcoming the Wall of Awful™, and host of the ADHD Essentials Podcast. A sought-after speaker, and neurodivergent person himself, Brendan helps organizations and individuals manage neurodiverse challenges through education, collaborative problem-solving, compassion, and accountability.

He is on the board of the Men’s ADHD Support Group, Director of Professional Resources for Calmer Con Boston, and a former committee member of the International Conference on ADHD. He has featured in the New York Times, Washington Post, LinkedIn, Understood, How to ADHD, VeryWell Mind, and ADDitude.

Things you'll learn from this episode

How the Wall of Awful creates an emotional barrier that can make starting or completing tasks feel impossible

Why anxiety and adrenaline can sometimes help us climb the Wall of Awful while also taking a toll

How creating “doors” in the Wall can provide quicker paths to regulation and getting unstuck

Why making tasks interesting, meaningful, or connected to personal values can reduce avoidance

How rejection sensitive dysphoria can add another layer to the Wall of Awful and how parents can support kids through it

Why having shared language and practical tools for talking about Walls of Awful can help kids better understand and navigate their experience

Resources mentioned

Brendan Mahan’s website

Overcoming the Wall of Awful: Why It’s Hard to Get Things Done with ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety (and How to Do Them Anyway) by Brendan Mahan

The Wall of Awful

Brendan’s ADHD Essentials Community on Facebook

ADHD Essentials on Instagram

Brendan Mahan on LinkedIn

ADHD Essentials on Blue Sky

ADHD Essentials on X

Jessica McCabe How to ADHD YouTube channel

Wall of Awful on How to ADHD (YouTube videos)

The Anti-Planner: How to Get Sh*t Done When You Don't Feel Like It - Undated ADHD Planner Alternative for Adults, Women & Teens, 100+ Productivity Strategies for Focus & Procrastination by Dani Donovan

Dani Donovan’s website

Dr. William Dodson

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Joining me is Georgie Wisen-Vincent, an expert in play therapy and co-author, alongside Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, of the new book The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Kind and Confident Kids.

In today’s episode, Georgie shares insights from The Way of Play and explains why play is a universal language that helps kids express their feelings and navigate life’s challenges. We discuss how parents can intentionally use play to strengthen bonds, nurture sibling relationships, and reconnect after time apart. Georgie also offers practical strategies for engaging in play effectively, such as mirroring your child’s play to deepen connection and understanding. Plus, we explore how play isn’t just for kids—it’s a lifelong skill that can enhance relationships at every stage of life.



Things you'll learn

* Why play is a natural language that fosters social-emotional development, allowing children to express their feelings and process difficult experiences

* How parents can strengthen connections by intentionally setting aside time for play and becoming active observers rather than controllers

* How little moments of play can lead to big connections, helping to nurture sibling relationships and strengthen bonds after time apart

* How to engage in play effectively, mirroring our child’s play to enhance connection and understanding

* Why play is a lifelong skill that not only supports children’s growth but also enriches adult relationships and communication
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