Parenting Without Power Struggles

Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, exploring how "firefighter" parts trigger intense reactivity, rage, and regrettable parenting moments. She explains that parents often fixate on what went wrong and overlook what went well — a result of the brain's survival-based negativity bias, which fuels shame and discouragement rather than change.
Susan describes why firefighter parts need consistent proof that a grounded, wise Self ("Captain of the ship") can handle hard moments without escalating, and how logging small successes helps those protective parts relax their grip over time.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why your brain is wired to magnify threats and mistakes
Why understanding a reactive pattern intellectually isn't enough to change it — protective parts need proof, not insight.
How a moment as small as catching yourself and stepping out of the room counts as real evidence of change — not a near-failure.
Transcript available here
Chapters:
00:00 Welcome and Recap
02:12 Why Negatives Stick
03:55 Survival Brain Bias
05:36 Firefighters and Self
11:06 Build Proof With Wins
14:36 Daily Five Wins Homework
18:32 Small Steps and Growth
19:57 Coaching and Wrap Up

div]:bg-bg-000/50 [&_pre>div]:border-0.5 [&_pre>div]:border-border-400 [&_.ignore-pre-bg>div]:bg-transparent [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.standard-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pl-2 [&_.progressive-markdown_:is(p,blockquote,ul,ol,h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6)]:pr-8"> _*]:min-w-0 gap-3 [&_>_*:last-child]:mb-0 print:block print:[&_>_:where(:not(:first-child))]:mt-3 standard-markdown"> In this episode, Susan explores what Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls "firefighter" parts — protective parts that flood in with fast, intense reactions like rage, trying to put out old emotional pain, often at a cost to the relationship. She explains why these reactions aren't really about your child's behavior, and why healing them doesn't require your child to change first — using a real coaching conversation as an illustration along the way.
In this episode, you'll learn:
What a firefighter part is in IFS, and why intense, "zero to sixty" reactions are often this part protecting an old, tender wound — not a reflection of your character as a parent.
How to recognize the moment a firefighter part has "hijacked" you, and why simply noticing it is the first and most powerful step.
Why healing this pattern doesn't just improve your relationship with your child — it breaks a cycle that would otherwise pass down to the next generation.
Full episode transcript available here

In this episode, Susan introduces the core idea behind Internal Family Systems and what it means for parenting: beneath our anxiety, anger, and overwhelm is a calm, confident "Wise Self" — the steady part of us that functions as the Captain of the ship for our kids. When our children act out, it's a protective part of us that takes over, not our true Self.
Why our reactive outbursts ("I didn't mean to say that!") come from protective parts, not our Wise Self.
How old wounds get reactivated by our kids' behavior, fueling out-of-proportion reactions.
Why the real work of parenting isn't finding the perfect script, but learning to stay anchored to our calm, "captain of the ship" Self.
Transcript available at this page

In this conversation, Susan and Dr. Kristin Neff talks about the importance of cultivating both fierce and tender self-compassion, offering specific practices that parents can easily use when they're feeling overwhelmed, angry, or simply being hard on themselves. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episode-kristin-neff/

In this episode, Susan talks with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of author of the new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, as well as the books Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How To Stay Sane In An Era Of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Susan and Dr. Durvasula discuss difficulties, grief and legal challenges associated with co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episodes-ramani-durvasula/